I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Are we still banned from the library?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
