i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
