...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
