mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
