I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have feelings that need drinking.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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