what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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