Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
