I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
