hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
