So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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