if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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