i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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