I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
