I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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