I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
