to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
