The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
