Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
