just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
