NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
