so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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