too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
