Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I can't put those talents on a resume
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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