I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
