I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
