And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
