I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
