Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
