remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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