Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
