I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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