On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
