Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
