my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
