They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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