Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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