Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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