hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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