Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
jump out the window naked night went bad
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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