I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
