tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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