I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
