im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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