at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
MIDGETS
????
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
