is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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