Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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