then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
