it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize