I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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