I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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