Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
