no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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