I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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