Betty ford says i'm here all night
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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