there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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