you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize