I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize