life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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