Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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