Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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