Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
