i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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