I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
